Below we have outlined some common misconceptions people have about couples counseling. Hopefully this will help you shape your expectations and determine if therapy will be helpful in your situation.
Myth: Couples counseling involves a third party who will determine which of us is right.
Your therapist will not take sides. Believe it or not, both of you are contributing to your relationship problems. A well trained therapist will be able to help you understand both of your patterns, habits, and narratives that are creating repetitive negative cycles in your relationship.
Myth: My therapist will determine whether we should stay together or break up.
The role of a couples therapist is to help you understand how your relationship has gone wrong and to guide you- for as long as you are willing to try- in how to repair it. The decision of whether to stay in your relationship always belongs to you and your partner. There are usually positives and challenges to staying together, just as there are positives and challenges to breaking apart.
Most people can repair the problems in their relationship if their expectations are realistic and if they are both willing to do the work. Your therapist can’t predict how much you and your partner are willing to put in the work, so he/she can’t determine whether your relationship will be successful.
Counseling can help you get more understanding about what is going on in your relationship, as well as give you insight into your partner’s willingness and ability to work on it with you.
Myth: We could use help, but our problems aren’t significant enough to warrant seeking a professional.
Oh how we wish people would come in early in their relationship to learn how to communicate and to better understand each other! It is never too soon. In fact, the longer you two repeat your same negative cycles, the harder it is to break those cycles. Couples counseling should not be reserved for when you are in crisis – you will get so much more from the experience if you come in before your relationship gets to the crisis stage.
Myth: We are too far gone; the situation is hopeless.
The truth is that most couples don’t come to counseling until they have reached a crisis. Please understand that MOST (if not all) relationships are likely to experience a crisis that seems unrecoverable. When this happens, one or both partners often feels hopeless and full of despair. It is important to understand that significant, long-term problems can be resolved with couples counseling. As long as you are both still willing to try, and willing to work through some discomfort, there is a very good chance that your relationship will improve with counseling.
Myth: My partner is flawed, couples therapy will fix him/her.
Many people come to couples counseling to get the therapist to change their partner. If this is what you are hoping for, you will be disappointed. A well trained couples therapist will never align with you in order to psychoanalyze your partner and convince him/her to change.
Both of you created the relationship together, and you are both going to have to change to break free of your negative cycles. Focusing on your partner’s ‘stuff’, rather than your own, will likely interfere with your own growth and probably make your partner feel defensive and resistant to change.
Myth: If we talk about our problems it will make things worse.
You may have experienced that your own attempts to talk about your problems just made things worse, not better. However, a well trained couples therapist knows how to create a safe space where problems can be discussed productively. In many cases, the therapist will be able to help you both see each other’s struggles in new ways that open the door to healing and reconciliation.
Myth: Couples counseling is a waste of time and does not work.
All of the counselors at The Couples Clinic of Portland are trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT). EFT is backed by a substantial body of empirical research of its effectiveness: 70-75% of the couples move from distress to recovery, and approximately 90% of these show significant, long-term improvements.
